


After

by Starbird



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Blow Jobs, Cunnilingus, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, F/M, Heavy Angst, IDEK Why I'm Posting This But, If You Read It You'll See Who I'm Blaming, Jyn and Cassian Don't Say What They're Saying, Jyn is Angry She Lived, K-2 in a Different Form, Missions, My First Work in This Fandom, Oral Sex, Rebelcaptain - Freeform, Sharing a Bed, Smut, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Tags to Come if I Don't Chicken Out and Stop Posting, This Was My First RebelCaptain Fic So Please Excuse the Boo-Boos I Made, bed sharing, eventual rebelcaptain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-01-21 10:25:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12455596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/pseuds/Starbird
Summary: Escaping from the Battle of Scarif in Krennic’s shuttle and returning to Yavin 4, Jyn and Cassian are immediately sent out on a new mission to find a backup base for the Rebel Alliance. Stuck on an extended mission in a small shuttle, they’re forced to work through their feelings for one another. K-2SO is back and has no problems meddling.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jenniferjun1per](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenniferjun1per/gifts).



> First: I blame [jenniferjun1per](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenniferjun1per/pseuds/jenniferjun1per) for the reason this is even public. Jenniferjun1per gets blamed for a lot. But to be fair, it's fair.
> 
> Second, and related to the first: As you can see from my tags, this is my very first RebelCaptain work. I started it April 5, the day after the DVD came out. I did some light editing to it, like deleting the cheesy beginning paragraph, but it's still got problems (Jyn can pilot? What?). Also, I know now that Yavin Base was evacuated fairly quickly after the Death Star was destroyed, but at the time, I was working under the assumption that the Imperials who knew about the base were all killed. Hence, the long mission for Jyn and Cassian. (aka, hence: the plot).
> 
> Third, and related to the second: Please be gentle! This is a very different take on them surviving than what I usually write. Idk why it's so angsty, but it is. (Well, the reason is because I didn't know the characters that well when I wrote it, but...)

Jyn Erso had made peace with dying.

            She tightened her arms around Cassian’s neck, and he did the same around her. The wind blew a warm breeze, so peaceful despite the impending disaster from a manmade death machine.

            _But it’s over now_ , she thought. _The Rebellion has the plans. We’re going to win._

            A smile crossed her face.

            Up above in space, the battle raged. Rebel versus Imperial, good versus evil.

            _Friend versus enemy._

            At least Krennic would be destroyed by his own killing machine. The irony, to Jyn, was delicious.

            _Krennic._

Jyn’s eyes popped open.

            _Krennic’s shuttle._

            “We have to move,” she said. Cassian’s eyes opened too, glazed with pain.

            “What?”

            “Krennic’s shuttle.” She was already on her feet, his arms reluctantly falling away. “It’s at the base of the lift. We can get to it if we run.”

            “I can’t,” he said. “I can’t run. I’m done. The fight is over for me.”

            “No, it’s not.” She bent over and hauled him to his feet. “It’s not over until it’s over, and we’re not done yet.”

            They hurried as fast as they could, limping along, Krennic’s shuttle coming closer with each step and the massive tsunami behind them roaring nearer. Jyn hobbled up the egress ramp, her legs about to give out. Cassian collapsed at the bottom. She started up the ship, breathed a sigh of relief to hear all four engines come online, and sped through the pre-flight. Then she ran back to the ramp and dragged an unconscious Cassian up it, slamming her fist against the door closer.

            She had no choice but to leave him where he was, and she strapped into the pilot’s seat. The shuttle moved laboriously up from the ground, just barely clearing the tsunami as it pounded over the archives, knocking them flat and destroying all of the Imperials’ precious information. She flew at a dizzying angle straight up into space, fingers working furiously on the navicomputer.

            “Come on, come on,” she muttered.

            They emerged in space, right in the middle of the battle. A turbolaser blast just missed them, and she jerked the yoke over. Keeping the shuttle low enough to avoid the battle, she darted away, ignoring the Rebel starfighters and capital ships exploding behind her, and made the jump to lightspeed.

            Safe.

 

* * *

 

 

Once the ship had entered lightspeed, Jyn allowed herself to let out the breath she’d been holding and collapse against the control board. They were all dead. Chirrut. Baze. Bodhi. K-2SO. All the rebels who had come with. All gone. It was a suicide mission, and they’d all known it. She knew they wouldn’t come back. She hadn’t expected it. That still didn’t make things easier, especially since she and Cassian alone had survived.

            In the silence and privacy of the cockpit, she cried for her lost comrades and friends, people she’d known for so little time but who had come to know her as intimately as she’d known them. All her weaknesses and vulnerabilities, her shame and guilt, her embarrassment and bitterness, her anger and resentment, every negative part of her personality had been laid bare before them.

            They had still followed her into battle. To their deaths.

            Yet here she was, their leader, alive when she had absolutely no reason – no right – to be.

            She didn’t even want to be alive.

            She wondered if Cassian felt the same way, if he would argue if she suggested altering their hyperspace path and plotting a new one into the nearest star. The only reason she’d saved them from the destruction of the Citadel Tower had been pure survivor instinct. She hadn’t thought; she’d just acted. Now, she regretted that action, wishing she could go back and redo it. She’d meant to die; she was _supposed_ to die. She had been at peace, could think of no better death than a successful mission, joining the others as one with the Force in the arms of a fellow comrade and friend.

            What future did she have, here, now? Return to the Rebellion? Go out on more missions? Try to destroy the Death Star itself? She’d done all she could. She was spent, and could do no more.

            Jyn rested her hands on her knees and hunched forward as the tears slowed. She _needed_ no more. She didn’t want more. No one else and nothing else.

            She just wanted to die.

            Two more tears slipped out, and she swiped them away with a dirty hand.

            _You’re done feeling sorry for yourself for now_ , she thought. _Next steps._

            She hit the release for her crash webbing and got up to check on Cassian. He still lay on the floor next to the ramp, but he’d regained consciousness.

            “Where are we?” he asked when he saw her.

            “We’re in hyperspace,” she said, crouching down next to him. “We’re safe.”

            _“Safe.”_ He spat the word out as he rolled over onto his back, then winced. “We will never be safe.”

            Anger flared up inside her, but she fought it back down. “We need to get you to a med kit. Think you can make it to the cabin?”

            “I think so.” He pushed up with his hands, but his arms gave out. “Just give me a minute.”

            “A minute isn’t going to help you.” She tugged on his elbow and gingerly pulled him up, curling his arm around her neck and supporting him. He leaned heavily against her, and it took the rest of her remaining strength to guide him to Krennic’s cabin.

            “I’m not lying in his – ”

            “Enough,” Jyn said tersely, and released her grip on him over Krennic’s fussily made bed. Cassian grunted but didn’t try to leave. “I’ll find a medpac. Wait, here’s one.” She pulled it out from under a drawer beneath the bunk and opened it. Quickly riffling through it, she found what she was looking for. “Pain patches. Where did you hurt your leg?”

            “All of it.”

            “That is not helpful.”

            “Ribs, hip, leg.”

            Before Jyn could ask another question, he passed out again. She put the packet between her teeth and pushed his shirt up. His ribs were purple and red with bruises, and Jyn applied the patch. She lowered his shirt and turned her attention to the rest of the injuries, wondering how exactly she was going to get pants off unconscious dead weight. She was exhausted and broken herself with her own injuries, but Cassian needed the medical attention more.

            She’d just have to wait till he came to again. Or find something to bring him around.

            Jyn shifted items around in the kit again and came up with a capsule that, once broken, would revive him. She broke it and held it under Cassian’s nose. Once he inhaled a few times, he came around, making a face.

            “Ugh,” he said. “That smells terrible.”

            “What did you expect, flowers?” Jyn reached for his belt buckle. “I’m going to need your help with this – ”

            “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” he said, waving a hand and scrabbling away despite his injured state. “I can take care of myself.”

            Jyn stood from the bunk and tossed the pain patches into his lap. “Of course you can. You’re welcome.”

            She started to leave, but she could tell from the sounds behind her that he was having trouble applying the patches and was probably going to lose consciousness again soon from so much exertion and concentration. She closed her eyes in frustration.

            _Men and their pride. Men and their dignity._

            She whipped back around, fists on her hips. “Need any help, or are you so proud you’re going to pass out and then I’m going to have to find a way to keep you conscious and not be able to fix up any of _my_ wounds?”

            All the ridiculous fight over something so trivial went out of him in an instant. He didn’t apologize, but he lay back, his face turned away.

            “It’s not a big deal,” Jyn said, snatching the patch out of his hand and applying it to the small corner of his hip that showed. “Passing out is far less dignified than letting me put a pain patch on you.”

            “No one’s ever seen me like this,” he admitted. “Except Kay.”

            “Well, there’s a first for everything.”

            He’d gotten his leg free from the fabric, at least. The entire limb was a mottled mass of bruises, cuts, and blood. Jyn tore the packet open and pressed it hard against the top of his knee to make sure it stuck. He flinched.

            “You don’t do much field medicine, do you?” Cassian said.

            “I’ve done my share. Why?”

            “No reason.”

Jyn crumpled up the wrappers and tossed them into the waste basket, then sat down on the bunk next to him, her eyes on the floor. She’d been a soldier her whole life, had become battle-hardened long ago. But she’d never seen anything like what they’d just experienced on Scarif. “So we get back to Yavin 4, we debrief, and we move on,” she said.

            Cassian gingerly sat up, gently moving his bad leg over the side of the bunk along with his good one.

            “You should be resting that!” Jyn snapped.

            “We rest when we get home,” Cassian said, placing his hand against her back. “Then we move on.”

            “You rest. I’m fine. Just a couple pain pills and I’m good to go.”

            She stood and strode out, slapping the closer as she passed through the doorway.

 

* * *

 

The shuttle hurtled through hyperspace. Jyn was exhausted, but she couldn’t sleep. Instead, she wandered through the small ship, looking at bits and pieces of Krennic’s life at his travel desk. A family photo. His daughter laughing with her dad. A smile on his face. Artwork with “To Daddy” in big, sloppy letters. A wedding photo. His parents. An Imperial ceremony where he’d received some award. The family pet. A notepad with scribbled notes. “Check in on lead science team. Get haircut. Report due to Tarkin.” With a howl of rage, Jyn swiped her arm across the desk, knocking everything over. She ripped apart the child’s art, art she’d never been able to make for her parents, threw the holo of the family pet against a wall. She’d never had a pet. She’d always wanted one. Ripped apart by loneliness as a young girl, she’d begged Saw Gerrera for a feline. She even had a name picked out: Marta, after a holovision character she adored.

            She’d never had a chance.

            Krennic had had a whole life. He’d had proud parents, a wife, a daughter.

            She would never have that.

            Once she’d cleared the desk and destroyed everything on it, she leaned over it, arms posted, and let herself cry again. It was over with Krennic, finally, but the hurt hadn’t subsided. _I have so much to tell you_ , her father had said before dying. Now she’d never known any of it.

            Cassian found her like that, glaring at the desktop.

            “Are you all right?” he asked.

            “Do I look all right?” she snapped.

            “You look angry and about to kill anything within a parsec.”

            Jyn didn’t say anything, breathing hard. Once her breathing was under control, she sat down in the desk chair. The very same chair Krennic had sat in himself while writing notes. _Get a haircut. Destroy people’s lives._

            Cassian put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. The gesture of one soldier to another, offering comfort after battle.

            Jyn reached up and covered his hand with hers, squeezing cold fingers. Not a gesture of one soldier to another.

            “Come on,” he urged. “Rest.”

            He gently tugged her back toward the cabin and turned back the covers of the bunk for her. She pulled her boots off and dropped them on the floor, out of fight for the time being. She climbed into the bunk. It was far softer than a bunk on a shuttle had any right to be. The bunk shifted, dipped down, as Cassian got in next to her. Her breath caught and her heart stuttered.

            “Rest,” he repeated, covering them both with the covers and rubbing her shoulder.

            Rest, however, did not seem possible with him right there, his presence so near, right in her space, a space she allowed no one else into. The bunk was tiny, only for one person, and meant for short trips besides. Even with both of them being of thin build, her body pressed against the wall as his pressed against hers, warm and alive and –

            _Comforting and soothing._

            It was something she didn’t want to admit. She closed her eyes, and rest somehow came as his breath caressed her cheek, putting all thoughts of it out of her mind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They return to Yavin 4. Jyn still doesn't understand why they lived (maybe she never will), and she just wants to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apparently ignored the graveness of Cassian’s injuries, so do me a favor and do the same?

The hyperspace alarm dinged, notifying them that they were about to come out of lightspeed. Jyn awkwardly clambered over Cassian and out of the bunk and hurried to the cockpit. Once she pulled the lever and saw Yavin 4 in front of her again, she felt another breath of relief whoosh out of her.

She hailed the base and got clearance to land. The shuttle touched down, and the hum of the engines slowly quieted. Cassian met her at the ramp, and opened it once she got there.

It seemed the entire base had turned out for their arrival.

Cheers went up, a heroes’ welcome. Jyn brushed it off, shouldering her way between people and trying to get to the back of the pack and to Mon Mothma and General Draven. She didn’t want a heroes’ welcome. She wanted more people from the battle to have survived. All she’d done was her duty, and it wasn’t fair that she’d gotten to live while they’d died.

Mothma and Draven were in the communications room, beaming at Jyn and Cassian.

“The Rebellion’s newest heroes,” Mothma said.

“Good work,” Draven added. “The plans are safe on their way. The Death Star will be destroyed because of you.”

“And Chirrut,” Jyn said. “And Baze and Bodhi and Kaytoo. And a score of other Rebels.”

Mothma looked down. “Yes. We did not expect any of you to come back. I’m happy two of you did.” She looked up. “You have lit a fire beneath the Rebellion, given us hope again to fight this war. Your mark on the Rebellion will not soon be forgotten.”

“Thank you,” Jyn said. “For now, we need medical attention. I don’t know where the med bay is here.”

“Andor can show you,” Draven said, gesturing out of the room. “He’s been there his share of times.”

“This way,” Cassian said, and set off.

“Report back tomorrow morning at oh-nine-hundred,” Draven called after them. “We’ll debrief and give you your next assignment then.”

The med bay had already been notified of their arrival, and 2-1B droids stood by to tend to them. Jyn felt jittery, itching to be out of there and left alone. She hadn’t been out of the sight of someone for days, and she needed time alone. She was used to being alone, and being around others didn’t feel all that pleasant. It felt uncomfortable, like clothes that didn’t fit quite right and stretched in all the wrong places.

She hated it.

Her droid fixed her up quickly, and she dressed again and started to go. “What about Cassian?”

“He’ll be here awhile longer. You’re clear to go.”

“Thanks.”

Jyn had never actually been given a room assignment at the base – things had moved far too quickly for that – so she checked with one of the guards to see who to go to for bunking. Her rank of sergeant afforded her better lodging than regular soldiers, but she still had to share a room with another sergeant.

She did not want to share a room with another sergeant.

A shower and change of clothes lifted her spirits a bit. Afterwards, she headed down to the mess hall for a bite to eat. The last time she’d eaten was on Krennic’s ship, but all he had were terrible, low-carb ration bars and bizarre flavors of water. Before that…she couldn’t remember.

Peace was hard to come by in the mess with everyone staring openly at her, so she ate quickly and left the base for a walk through the forest. It helped clear her mind, and she chose a spot in a clearing to sit and think, breathing in deeply of the clean air, thick as it was with heavy odors and humidity. Sleep called to her again, and she dozed off. Finally, as the sun began to sink below the horizon, she decided to go back to the base -- her new home.

At least for now.

* * *

In the morning, Jyn reported promptly to Draven and Mothma. Cassian showed up at the same time she did, looking much better. Color had returned to his face, and he was walking more easily.

“Good to see you both,” Draven said, and as usual, got right down to business. He and Mothma debriefed both of them the entire morning and past lunch before letting them go for a quick meal, then return for their next mission assignment.

“I wish we could give you more time,” Mothma said. “But it just isn’t possible right now.”

“Orders will need to be followed more strictly in the future, however,” Draven said, giving them both a sharp look. “Your heroism is truly appreciated, and the entire Rebellion is in your debt. However, we need to know that we can still trust you.”

“Unless you have another Death Star on your hands that half the council is too cowardly to fight,” Jyn said testily, “I don’t think we have a problem.”

“As quarrelsome as ever, I see,” Draven remarked.

“Perhaps you ought to give us a little more than just a few hours to recuperate.”

“Jyn.” Cassian’s hand touched hers briefly, and then clasped behind his back again. “What do you need from us?” he asked Draven.

Still giving Jyn a look she returned with narrowed eyes, Draven said, “We’ve assessed the risk of our base here on Yavin 4 being discovered by the Empire, and we think it is fairly likely the Empire will find us. If the Death Star plans fall back into Imperial hands, and our operatives are captured, the Empire could find out where we are. Given what they did to Jedha and their own archives, they would not hesitate to fire here and wipe us out. We need another home base to fall back to in case Yavin is discovered.”

“You want us to scout out planets?” Jyn said, and glanced at Cassian. “I’m not really good at recon work. This is more his realm than mine.”

“You’ve served us well the past few days.”

Jyn held her tongue, though she wanted to say more.

“All right,” Jyn said. “When do we ship out? What’s the first target?”

“Tomorrow morning. I’ll transmit a list to your ship and the terminals in your quarters. You’ll want to pack heavily. This will take a few weeks, unless you find a suitable location for our base sooner than that.” He paused and gave them a shrug. “It will be mostly traveling in hyperspace, so I _do_ believe you will be given a chance to _recuperate_ , Erso.”

“Thank you ever so,” Jyn replied acidly. “You really know how to motivate a girl, Draven.”

“As for you, Andor,” Draven said, ignoring her, “no more of this moral-compass self-reflection. If I need you to do something, you do it. That has never been a problem before.”

“Things change,” Cassian said. “People change.”

Draven huffed. “Not you. I know what you are, and you’re a spy. A damn good one, too, I might add. No one can turn their back on that life, not even someone as competent as you. Don’t try to change what works.” He waved at them. “Dismissed, both of you.”

Jyn turned on her heel. She’d have to stop by the supply room to get extra clothing, a good supply of rations, weapons, and a pack. After that, she’d pore over the list of locations and familiarize herself with them beforehand.

Never any harm in being prepared.

* * *

At dinner that night, Jyn sat alone once more. People still stared, but she let them this time. She just had to ignore it. A tray clattered down next to her, and she was about to tell the person to mind their own business when she saw it was Cassian, stepping over the bench to sit next to her. She didn’t say anything at first; after all, he’d been the one to join her, not the other way around.

“I have Kaytoo’s chip,” he said, and grabbed a bottle of red sauce from the middle of the table. He upended it on his plate, covering a corner with the stuff.

“How did you do that?” Jyn asked as she eyed the bottle.

“Grabbed it before coming after you.” He set the bottle down and reached for a spice shaker. This he shook over every single item on his tray, possibly obliterating any natural flavors of the food – which, to be fair, was mediocre at best. “I think I can put it into another droid. Maybe one not so big.”

“I liked him that way.”

“So did I.”

They ate in a companionable silence, then deposited their trays in a bin and walked back down the hallway to the living quarters. Cassian stopped at one of the rooms, which looked just the same as all the others. He motioned at the door.

“My quarters,” he said. “Do you mind? I wanted to go over the mission with you for a minute before we ship out in a few hours.”

“No problem,” Jyn said. Cassian opened the door, and they stepped inside. The room was very small, but tidy. No mementos sat on top of furniture, no signs of the history behind the man who inhabited the room.

Jyn realized then that she still didn’t know much about him, same as he knew so little about her. It didn’t bother her, though. She’d never had any need to know about people. As she’d told him before their rogue mission to Scarif, she wasn’t used to people sticking around. No point in making friends when they weren’t going to be there the next day.

Cassian switched his terminal on from standby mode, and Jyn sat in the compact desk chair while he talked. They discussed their first destination, a planet called Norda, its pros and cons, and where they might land. It had few inhabitants and was located far from the Empire’s clutches. It seemed like a good place to start.

As they talked, Jyn felt the tension between them growing stronger. She wasn’t usually a fidgeter, but she felt her leg bouncing as he went over the details, and could only respond with one-word replies. She didn’t ask any follow-up questions, just wanting to get out of there. For his part, he kept his focus firmly on the screen and barely looked at her.

“Somewhere you need to be?” he finally asked in irritation as she glanced at the door a third time.

“I’d like to do a final check on my equipment,” Jyn said, rising from the chair. “I’ll meet you back at the hangar later, and we’ll leave.” She paused a moment. “Is anyone else coming with us?”

“No,” Cassian said, and switched off his terminal. “Just us.”

“Okay. See you soon.”

She started to go, but his voice stopped her: “I never thanked you.”

Jyn turned around again, her back to the door, and realized he’d been right behind her. He was close again, too close. “For what?”

“For saving my life,” he said. “I didn’t want you to. I just wanted to die with everyone else. I didn’t think we’d make it. But you found a way. You always seem to.”

Jyn smiled. “You’re welcome. Thank you for pulling through.”

He gave her the same intense look he’d given her in the turbolift on their way down from the communications array on Scarif, and she could feel her eyes lock onto his like a homing beacon. That moment they’d shared, in their pain and triumph and fear and loss, had been electric, unspoken words and feelings and thoughts. This moment, here and now, brought that same electric current sparking back to life.

Cassian stepped toward her, his hand lifting to rub her upper arm. “Jyn...”

Her face was tilted up to his, and she felt rooted to the spot. She  wanted to move, but she couldn’t.

 _If you can’t do something_ , she thought, _say something._

“This is a bad idea,” she said, but it was unconvincing even to her ears.

His voice was quiet. A whisper. “I know that.” His other arm wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her to his chest. “It’s all going to take time.”

He could’ve been talking about anything.

“I was ready to die,” Jyn said, her voice muffled by his shirt. “Why didn’t we?” She pulled back and looked up at him again, her mouth open in question. Her hands suddenly clenched into his shirt, twisting the fabric around her fingers. “Why didn’t we, Cassian?” He didn’t answer, and she shook him. _“Why didn’t we?!”_

“I don’t have an answer,” he said quickly, like he was trying to talk her down. “Maybe we’ll never have one.”

_Make me forget. Take me away from here._

The words appeared in Jyn’s mind. Her mouth opened again, and they formed on her tongue. But she couldn’t say them.

“What is it?” Cassian asked.

“I see them,” Jyn said instead. “Baze, Chirrut, Bodhi. I hear Kaytoo.”

He grimaced. “I know. I do, too.”

“This is a nightmare. It’s worse than dying. How do you sleep? After what you’ve seen?”

“I don’t. Not much, anyway. Look, why don’t you stay here for the night? You’re in no shape – ”

“ _I’m_ in no shape?!” she repeated incredulously. Cassian stared back a moment, lips pursed.

 _“Neither_ of us is in any shape,” he amended. He didn’t need to say the rest. He softened then, stroking a thumb back from her cheek to her ear. “What can I do?”

_Make me forget my own name._

“Nothing.” Jyn broke eye contact, looking down at the floor. He still held her in his arms, and her fingers were still gripping the front of his shirt. “You can do nothing.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bed-sharing.

Jyn got ready for bed in her own quarters, then made her way back down to Cassian’s. He was reading in his bed when she walked in, the covers over his lap. He didn’t say anything, just put his reader down on the nightstand and got out of the bunk. Jyn glanced at him, but he didn’t give her an answer in his expression.

She got into the bunk.

“I have a bedroll…” Cassian said.

“No,” Jyn replied, closing her eyes. “It’s all right.”

The bed dipped as he got in, placing the covers over them and moving closer to her, curving his body around hers. Instinctively, Jyn pushed back against him, and he groaned back in his throat. How long had it been since someone had touched him like that? His hand landed on her hip, fingers curled around it, and he began to kiss and then mouth at the crook of her neck. She pushed harder back against him, felt him grind against her, felt him harden against her backside, until she knew she was just torturing him with the amount of friction she was providing.

“Jyn, Force, stop,” he gasped. “Stop, stop. We can’t do this.”

“I know,” Jyn said, turning over in the bed to face him. “But we need to.”

She threw her arms around his neck, pulled her body to his, and kissed him, plunging her tongue into his mouth the second she could. He made the same sound as before when she’d first started grinding on him, and she knew his protestations had been mostly for show. The darkness called up her courage, dragged it forth from her, dared her to defy it.

“Take me away,” Jyn whispered. “Anywhere you want.”

He tilted his head away from her mouth so that she was kissing his cheek, and he moved his face so that she could kiss every centimeter of it, all the while whispering her name. His hands were cupping her breasts, he was hard against her leg, and suddenly, the covers felt way too hot.

“We work together,” he said.

Jyn just ignored him this time, knowing he didn’t mean it. She slid her hand down his chest, angling her fingers down so that she could get her hands on him. But before she could get there, Cassian grabbed her wrist with his own hand.

“Don’t,” he said. “Not yet. Let me first.”

His hand was between her legs now, and she widened them for him. He quickly found his way inside her underwear, already soaking for him, and she heard him take his breath in when he found her that way. His fingers sank inside her, thumb rubbing her clit, and Jyn sighed. She took his other hand and brought it under her sleep shirt and to her bare breast so he could feel it, and his thumb brushed over her nipple. He kissed her again, the kiss hard and rough and sloppy but so, so good –

And then he shifted on the bed, moving to his knees between her legs. He grabbed her sleep pants and underwear and yanked them down with one quick jerk, widened her legs further, and ducked his head down. Jyn cried out as he put his tongue on her, already going inside her, then broadly rubbing at her clit, and she was already so close before, that when he put his fingers inside her again, she came, and he rubbed her through it. Satisfied, Jyn sat up, kicked her pants and underwear off the one ankle they’d been hanging from, and fell forward onto her knees. Cassian was still on his, and she hooked her fingers in the waistband of his pants and underwear.

He didn’t even protest this time.

He didn’t even protest when she took him into her mouth, all the way, lying on his bunk with him kneeling before her. He just sat up on his knees, caressing her hair and her face, and gently rocked into her mouth, so, so gentle with her. She pumped him at the same time she sucked him, and this was it, this was exactly what she wanted, to get lost in him, in his body, to do anything to put the pain and misery and trauma of Scarif from her mind.

“Jyn,” he murmured. “Oh, Jyn.” The back of her tank top was fisted in his hands, but he let it go and sat back again. “Can I come in your mouth?”

She agreed, and she adjusted back to her knees again, going down on him harder, just wanting him to blank her mind, and his fingers were digging into the back of her shoulders and they were too rough and it hurt but he probably didn’t even know, and she didn’t tell him to ease off like she would have told another partner because she _needed_ it, she _needed_ that point of reference, and then he groaned and let out a rough breath as he came.

The room was dark, with only  a very dim light in the corner, barely enough to see by, but it was enough to see to clean up. They didn’t talk, but Cassian did cup her shoulder as he conformed his body to hers again in the bunk and dipped his forehead to just below her neck.

And Jyn realized, just as she was about to drop off to sleep, that for the first time, she was able to forget.

*** * ***

Jyn didn’t forget long. She woke a few hours later with Cassian’s weight against her, and decided she would be fine in her own quarters. Slowly, she moved away from him, but she didn’t expect she’d be able to creep out.

“Where are you going?” he asked, his voice drowsy with sleep. “It’s midnight.”

“Go back to sleep,” Jyn whispered as she pulled her pants and underwear back on.

“You don’t have to leave.”

“I have some things to take care of before we ship out.” She stood from the bed, the creak of it sounding far too loud in the silence of his room. Cassian regarded her.

“What things?” he asked.

“Prep. Goodnight, Cassian.” She stepped away.

“Jyn.” His hand caught hers, and she stopped. “Don’t do this.”

She was too tired to fight this time, and the walk back to her quarters was a long one.

She sank back down onto the bed, and he pulled her to him again. Her chin dipped down as she closed her eyes, and the thought slipped into her mind that this was…comfortable.

_But just for tonight. Tonight only._

As long as she could wake before him and get out of his room, she should be okay.

It all hinged on that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn and Cassian set out for the first planet. Jyn’s anger issues and survivor’s guilt continue to build.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we’re back to the angsting. 
> 
> A special thank you to [Skitzofreak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skitzofreak/pseuds/skitzofreak), [SleepyKalena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyKalena/pseuds/SleepyKalena), and [Jenniferjun1per](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenniferjun1per/pseuds/jenniferjun1per) for encouraging me to continue posting this. <3

Jyn’s plan didn’t work.

When she woke, feeling better and more refreshed than she had in weeks (months), Cassian was already up and sitting at his desk looking at a datapad. Shy now in the light of morning, Jyn got out of the bed without a word and headed for the door.

She couldn’t look at him. He was right: they worked together. It was nothing more than that. Last night, they’d simply fulfilled a need they both had. A physical one. Nothing more. Hers more than his, probably, because she’d asked it of him. She cursed her weakness. There had been no need for that unnecessary intimacy.

But damn, it had been good to forget her reality for those precious few minutes, and with Cassian she felt… _safe_.

He seemed to understand her need to not speak, because all he said was, “I’ll see you at the hangar,” and he let her go.

* * *

 

A tech was waiting by the ship when Jyn walked up, a traveling pack slung on her back and a duffel in one hand. The tech looked to be grappling with a small droid.

“What’s this?” she asked, watching the fight unfold.

“New model,” the tech said. “Are-Fore-Con. Don’t listen to nuffink or nobody.”

“Fantastic. And he’s here why?”

“Goin’ wif you. Draven’s orders, ma’am.”

“This is the first I’m hearing of it.”

“It was in the briefing.” Jyn turned to face Cassian. “Draven just sent it over.”

“What do we need a droid for?” she asked. “We can handle this.”

The two-foot-tall droid brought out a pincer and started snapping at the tech. “Ay!” he yelped, jumping away. “You keep your pinchers to yourself!”

“The droid?” Jyn asked again.

“Recon prototype,” the tech replied, glaring at the little machine. “Draven wants you to try ’im out.”

“This is a terrible idea,” Jyn said as she passed the tech and walked up the ramp, leaving Cassian to deal with the droid.

“He don’t mean to hurt nobody – ouch! _You watch it, droid._ Best I’ll see you off ’ere. Regards, Captain. And you, ma’am. I heard what you done at – ”

Jyn closed the ramp after hearing Cassian walk inside.

“That was rude,” he commented mildly as he came into the cabin.

“Waste, waste, waste,” she said. “Waste of time, waste of words….” She glanced at the droid, which had smoke coming out of one of its sensors. “Waste of machinery and technology….”

“I’ll work on him. Do you have the coordinates set?”

“Of course I have the coordinates set.” She pressed the button to turn on communications. “Yavin Base, this is shuttle Yellow Seven, requesting clearance to lift off.”

Comms replied back right away. “Request granted, Yellow Seven. May the Force be with you.”

Cassian worked the controls, smoothly lifting the shuttle off the Massassi temple’s floor and accelerating out of the hangar. “The Rebellion sure likes its colors.”

“Colors are universal,” Cassian replied.

“I don’t like the color yellow.”

“I don’t like the color black.”

“Black is the absence of color.”

“Exactly.”

Once they were set in hyperspace on their five-hour trip to Norda, Jyn left the cockpit and went to the living area at the center of the ship to review data again. Cassian lingered in the doorway, hands on opposite sides of the frame, watching her. She ignored him.

R-4CON rolled up next to her and spat. “I have no idea what you just said,” she replied.

“The tech gave us a translator,” Cassian said. “It’s proprietary, so it probably won’t even work.” He crouched down next to the droid, his face right near Jyn’s knee, and she fought her feelings down as she inhaled and caught a breath of his already-familiar, comforting scent. He smelled like nothing she could identify or recognize, no one thing, but more a feeling: calm. Security.

The droid spat electronic garble again. Cassian read the display. “He said…‘Food bad. Cockpit worse. Bed hard. Sheets old.’ Helpful.”

“ _Very_ good for reconnaissance,” Jyn agreed. Cassian thumped the droid on its dome.

“What can you tell us about Norda?” he asked. The droid shot a pincer out, which Cassian swatted away, then started burbling. “ ‘Exercise more.’ That doesn’t even make any sense. I said _Norda_.” He waited again while the droid talked. “ ‘Ancient Jedi landscape. Few inhabitants. Food acceptable. Climate acceptable. Dirt.’ Well, I can tell this will be of great use. You’re coming with me, droid.”

Jyn watched as Cassian left with the droid down the hallway leading to the cabins. A loud electronic squawk followed, along with a curse from Cassian. She shook her head and went back to reading.

Twenty minutes passed. Thirty. An hour. Two. Jyn stared up at the ceiling and tapped her fingers on the table. There was nothing more she could read. She’d memorized everything about Norda. Now all she had to do was make it another three hours, where they’d arrive during daytime on the planet. She might as well grab some sleep while she could.

Then a voice came from Cassian’s cabin, one she expected never to hear again.

“Oh, I don’t appreciate this. I don’t appreciate this at _all_.”

“Kaytoo?” She jumped up and ran down the hall, gaping to see Cassian looking pleased with himself next to the droid. “What did you…?”

“Jyn Erso,” the reprogrammed recon droid said in a voice that sounded nothing like K-2SO, but at least had some of his inflection. “You look terrible.”

“Kaytoo….” She kneeled down and looked the little droid in its ocular receptor. “Is it really you in there?”

“Yes, in this horrible body. Yellow does not suit me.”

Jyn let out a laugh and shook her head, blinking away sudden wetness in her eyes. “Me, neither.”

“Everyone hates Are-Fore-Con droids,” Kaytoo said. “They’re _judged_.”

“What did you do?” Jyn asked Cassian. “How’d you get him back?”

“I backed him up before Scarif,” Cassian said. “There was always a chance something would happen, so I kept regular backups. This is…well….” He looked down at the droid. “Good.”

“You don’t have to say it like _that_ ,” Kay said. “Do you know how much effort I put into this reprogramming to get coding for a voice modulator to work?”

“ _That_ is illegal software,” Cassian said. “But also beside the point. Let’s get our info downloaded to you and get you up to speed.”

“Indeed.” The little conical head rotated back and forth between Jyn and Cassian. “You two are acting odd. Did I miss something?”

“No,” they both said at the same time, then glanced at one another.

“You’ve been through quite an ordeal, Kaytoo,” Jyn said as she stood. “You’re not thinking straight.”

She left Cassian’s room, but not before hearing Kaytoo’s last words, in a singsong tone. “The probability of her shooting you is high again. Very, _very_ high.”

 

* * *

 

Stretched out on a sandy cliff above the only town for hundreds of kilometers, Jyn and Cassian peered through their quadnocs for any sign that this world would make a good location for the Rebel Alliance’s new home base. The setting and situation reminded Jyn too much of Jedha.

“Oh, a bird!” K-2 said excitedly. “I love colorful birds. Not quarrelsome birds, though. Cassian, did I ever tell you about that bird that bit – ”

“I don’t see any source of water,” Cassian interrupted. “This settlement is the only thing around.”

“They might make good allies,” Jyn suggested. She shifted to look to the east, her arm brushing against Cassian. “I don’t see anything over there, either. The isolation would be advantageous.”

Cassian pulled out his datapad and scrolled through the planet’s specs. “It looks like vegetation is due to dry out here in about ten years. People have been leaving in droves. It’s going to be an uninhabited planet soon.” He rolled onto his left side to replace his datapad in its hip pouch, bumping into Jyn. “The isolation is good, but the lack of food is not.”

“What are we eating on Yavin 4? Food from the jungle?” Jyn pointed out.

“Good point.”

“I don’t like it here,” K-2 whined. “And I don’t like my new body! I feel ugly.”

“You’re beautiful, Kay,” Cassian said, looking through his quadnocs again.

“He’s not acting right,” Jyn said as she eyed the droid.

“Blame the reprogramming.”

“I always do.”

 “Oh, no.”

“What?” Jyn had her quadnocs up to her eyes again, scanning around. “Oh. That must be a recent development Alliance Intel doesn’t know about yet. Seriously, what do you people do all day?”

Cassian had spotted a quartet of stormtroopers marching through the streets. Jyn tracked their movements and watched as they met up with another quarter and talked briefly.

“I guess the Empire had the same idea we had,” Jyn said. “Scratch this planet. Really, do you people not pay attention at all? What’s the point of all this anyway if we’re just going to run into more stormtroopers?”

“Well, I guess not all of us are great at Intelligence,” Cassian returned. “Perhaps you have a better way of doing it? Some suggestions, maybe, for improving things?”

Jyn gave him an exaggerated shrug, her temper starting to light. “It’s not my area of expertise like it is yours, but for starters, maybe stay up to speed a little more?”

“We _do_.”

“Always on the defensive, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m not.”

“And we’re back to the lying. Is that in your training, too, or does it just come naturally to you? It must, because it’s the one thing you’re really good at.”

She didn’t wait for his reply, but she caught a glimpse of his wounded expression and knew she’d hit back too hard, and too unfairly. Storming off, she thought to herself how much of a wasted trip this had been and seethed about Draven sending them there…and sending them there _alone_. What had he been thinking?! He’d seemed so competent to her at first.

As Jyn walked past Kaytoo, he said, “Pick me up? I don’t think I’m heavy.”

“I’m not picking you up,” she retorted. “You’re not a child.”

“She’s not acting very nice,” Kay said indignantly to Cassian. “What did you do?”

“Nothing!” he said. “Why do you always assume I did something?”

“Because usually you _do_. You don’t play well with others in the sandbox.”

“Maybe _she_ did something.”

“Now I know you did something.”

Jyn turned around at the bottom of the ramp, fuming. “Can we just go? Stormtroopers, Empire, all bad things we want to avoid? Let’s hurry up, people.”

“I am not a people,” Kaytoo said, rolling up the ramp with his head held high. “I am a _droid_.”

Cassian caught up to Jyn at the boarding ramp. He grabbed her arm and spun her around, not yet done with the fight. “I turned my back on all of that. Disobeyed orders multiple times, orders I’ve been following my whole life. Disobeyed them for _you_. So don’t throw that at me.”

Jyn yanked her arm free. “Good for you. That still doesn’t change who you are.”

“Who I am?” He took a step closer to her, too close again, but she refused to back away. His voice lowered. “What would you know about who I am?”

“Nothing,” she said. “I don’t need to. I know enough.”

“What right do you have to be angry with me?” he asked. “You were the one who wanted…whatever last night was about, and I gave it to you. Everything I’ve done, I’ve done for you.”

“Whatever makes you feel better.” Giving him a withering look to cover up the sting of the truth and her self-hatred for what she’d inflicted upon this person she cared too much about, she turned again and jogged up the ramp. “Kay!” she shouted. “Set course for Verr.”

“Don’t tell my droid what to do,” Cassian said as he came into the shuttle, dumping his gear in a pile in the main living space. He then repeated the exact same instructions to the droid, who only confirmed he’d heard them but didn’t say anything otherwise.

“Glad you were here to do that,” Jyn said, and started walking away when it looked like Cassian wasn’t going anywhere. “I’ll be in my quarters.”

“Enjoy yourself,” he retorted to her retreating back.

Jyn didn’t even try to pretend to herself that that didn’t sting, too.


End file.
